So drunk its hurt
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
