So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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