Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
