Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize