He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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