I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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