Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You took a bar mat shot.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
