Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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