i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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