So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Text me some of your sweat
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
