If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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