I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
