Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
