I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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