You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
