So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
