The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
