this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
love makes seman taste better
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize