You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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