hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
