The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize