I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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