Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
