I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
