Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize