Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize