Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize