It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
