We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
