I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
