Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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