i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
