Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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