I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
