I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
