just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
