Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
