Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
