ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize