Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
