I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
