The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
