i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
