I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
