my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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