Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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