did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize