this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
