Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
