It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
