I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize