Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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