When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
