cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How does one acquire holy water?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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