does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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