Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
