I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
