Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
