before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
